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confused, sperated, lost
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TOPIC: confused, sperated, lost
confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 0  
Maybe someone here can help.... Civil divorce 5 years ago for the right reason-- very abusive relationship.. I converted to catholism in 90 and was very active in the church community. I understand the teachings and reasonsings behind the churches stances on divorce people and do respect them and follow them. I have not attended mass for over 4 years and have not received communion in just as long. I had gone to confussion and did not and can not receive communion because in the process of all this I have found the right person to be with but it is mortal sin to be in any kind of relationship with him because I am "married" and therefore my relationship is adultry, a mortal sin.
I gave up on confession because to hear over and over that there is no reconcillation or forgiveness in this very hard. I never intended to ever be in another relationship, I was content and fulfilled in my resolute to be alone during and after my divorce.
I have been seeing a therapist off and on since the divorce and the conflict of church teaching and the advice for moving on with life to get past my marriage is extremely difficult.
In the course of our 5+ year relationship, we have been together, been apart, been back together. Always he is encouraging to go to mass, go back to my works with the church, etc but that is not possible since I am a mortal sinner just being in love with him.
So where can I find peace, balance and god again? For many that are "cradle catholics" ( and I really do not mean any disrespect at all- just clairity) it is very hard to describe the completely emptiness of attending mass and not being able to receive communion and be one with, and healed by eucharist. It is one of the strongest reasons I choose to convert.
Is life empty without mass and knowing that god hates me? Absolutely.
So how does one find the balance and peace here on earth? The church says it welcomes all divorced people but it still leaves us as outsiders looking in, and there is a huge emptiness that is not filled here, a large hole in our hearts that needs to be filled by god. How do we fill that when we are not welcomed to his table?
mar ()
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Re:confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 0  
God does not hate you! You can still attend Mass. You need to seek annulment and see if your marriage was sacramental or not. If you believe in the Catholic faith you were brought up in, you can do much to come back. You are loved. You will be welcomed back. I'm sorry for all the pain and emptiness you are going through. It is hard, but you can do the right things and feel right again.
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Re:confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 0  
To clarify, I was not brought up catholic-- I CHOOSE to be catholic. I was baptised luthern and the conflict in our house between my luthern father and catholic mother kept both my sister and I from being confirmed in any religion. We both spent many years exploring many religions and in the end, I choose to be catholic.
I faithfully attended mass, not just on sunday but almost daily for the time during my divorce. There was a comfort but the overwhelming emptiness of not being welcome to the table for healing, being one with him again reinforced my reasons I choose to be catholic.
God hates the sinners, especially the mortal sinners. (Psalm 5:5). I attended confession, and to hear over and over that there was to be no reconcilliantion or forgiveness is the reasons I left.
I was encouraged to attend good friday mass, which i did, and the pain of hearing the call to his table and not being able to go was and is indescribable.
Was my marriage valid? No. I already know that. One of the priest i spoke to at the time was very encouraging about that- I was lied to by my ex. I did not understand the all the "rules" surrounding and since I was not catholic at the time, I was not informed by the priest or my ex about somethings. I had been physically and mentally abused for years.
I truely worked hard to make my marriage work. I truly have no resentment or bad feelings towards my ex. People sometimes laugh cause the last thing I do is say anything bad about him and to many I guess i do have good reason, but in my heart I can't. What good would it do, I would feel even worse. I forgave him a long time ago. The straw that broke the camels back was the last time I let him beat me up. I tried to help him for many years, but it is not something i can do. I have so much sorrow for him and that he is not able to be civil or have any kind of friendship with me. He remarried 6 months after we divorced. I do hope he is happy. The divorce did get ugly at times but I did make it through. He really is not a nice person but he is the father to our children.
I have been given forgiven by the priest for divorcing my husband so that is not an issue. I did not even expect to fall in love with someone else and that is the problem. That is why god hates me. I am not supposed to love someone else like I do since I am still married in the church. I made a commitment and vow before god to my ex.
mar ()
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Re:confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 3  
Mar -- You really ought to seek an annulment. Since you are interested in someone else that would be the respectful thing to do, both for yourself and for him. It sounds like it is a "slam dunk" -- you have been told you have sound cause so it is just a matter of going through the process. While that may be painful and difficult at times it is also VERY healing and liberating. This process would affirm for you the tremendous dedication you have to your faith and the dignity God wants for you. I think you would, even from the beginning, experience the tremendous love God has for you and the healing and life of dignity he calls you to.

From what you are saying, that you cannot gain forgiveness in the confessional, it sounds like you have a sexual relationship with this second man and are not willing to try to bring that into line with the Church's teaching. Having sex outside of marriage, because of it's powerful unitive and procreative powers, is considered the matter of a mortal sin. If you were abused for years and are just deeply and powerfully craving love and affection, the seriousness of that sin might be mitigated. However, unless you are willing to TRY to bring yourself in line with the Church's teaching on this it is true that a priest cannot forgive you in the confessional, though that does not make you hated! It's a healthy limit, really, and is there for your benefit in the long run.

You ought to be kind and sympathetic, as Christ is, to your weaknesses. Then, you must act in a way that reflects your great dignity and maturity in Christ -- seek an annulment, make every effort to keep this relationship platonic, and then discern whether you are being called to marriage again. It sounds like you may be living in fear and a great distrust of really being loveable -- so you are grabbing onto what is offered even if you know it separates you from God, who must be your first love. There's no lasting happiness without God and perhaps that is at least part of why your current relationship is on again and off again. You need to go through the process that will make you whole so that you have full joy, full dignity and the confidence of a daughter of the King as you approach the man you now love!

You can do this, even if it seems like a never-ending road of painful emotions right now. The roller coaster you are on now is far worse and will not resolve unless you take steps to do so. The road I delineate, which is the road of the Church, will have an end and great peace and joy at the end. I will pray for your to have the strength and trust to take this path!
God bless.
huberl ()
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Re:confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 0  
The relationship is not sexual, but it is not platonic. There is deep emotional connection and has been for a long time. I know I am not suppose to be love with someone else since I am still married in the church. The on again off again of this new relationship is due to my respect for the church laws, god's law's and this other person. I have been the one to tell him to go since I can not be with him as he wants since I am still "married". Seeing him or not, it doesn't change my heart and how I feel about him. It still seperates me, still makes me unforgiven as it has been pointed out in confession numerous times.
Everyday that passes, the path back to church gets darker. I do know that there is no lasting happiness without God. I have told this person, my children, and others I care and love how very sorry that I am not able to love them good enough as I once did. Without god there is no lasting happiness or complete love here on earth. ( even though my therapist seems to disagree).
I did consider an annulment many years ago, when the divorce was first occuring but that too far out of reach too. You need to be a member of a church community and have guidance from a parish priest, to leave the church i was teaching at, singing at and a long time member of since I am nothing more then a mortal sinner, there is no help, no guidance until I change me heart and stop loving this person. I have been told this over and over again. It is the reason I have stopped talking and seening this other person. It does not change how i deeply I feel about him and that no matter where life leads, i will always love him as deeply if not more deeply as time here on earth passes.
mar ()
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Re:confused, sperated, lost 4 Years ago Karma: 0  
Mar can I ask you were you married IN a catholic church? If not did you get permission from the pastor to be married outside of the church?

I ask this because I was married in my husbands baptist church and was worried about needing an annulment. I recently found out through talking with a priest at my church that because I was married outside the church and without permission then I wouldn't need an annulment just would have to fill out this lack of form(not sure what that is exactly) but I was told that is was much simpler to have to fill out and go through then the annulment.

I don't think your being punished or that God has left you he's still there in fact I think he's there now more then ever before just turn keep turning to him he will help you through this.
zoinatt ()
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Birthdate: 1975-09-18
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